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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29983908">Selfishness</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/literalfuckinggarbage/pseuds/literalfuckinggarbage'>literalfuckinggarbage</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(hopefully that stays true), Angst with a Happy Ending, Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Essek Thelyss Has a Crush, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nightmares, POV Essek Thelyss, Post-Canon, Pre-Relationship, Soltryce Academy (Critical Role), Teacher Caleb Widogast, Teacher Essek Thelyss, Touch-Starved Essek Thelyss, no beta we die like men</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 17:42:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,193</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29983908</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/literalfuckinggarbage/pseuds/literalfuckinggarbage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Essek and Caleb are selfish men. But they're also cowards, and they don't know how to ask for what they want. So Essek always listens when Caleb does manage to ask for what he wants.</p><p>And he listens closely when Caleb says, </p><p>  <em>“I’m going to say something incredibly selfish.”</em></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>320</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Selfishness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first time Caleb said anything, Essek was surprised. The phrase itself was odd, just because Caleb so rarely asked for anything for himself. At least, he struggled with it when it wasn’t something beyond pragmatic decisions that he’d worked out all the angles of.</p><p>“I’m going to say something incredibly selfish.”</p><p>“Yes?” Essek blinked, looking up from his work. They were selfish people; they knew that. But it was still something strange to mention like this.</p><p>Caleb didn’t meet his eyes, still staring down at the notes on the table. “Come work at the Academy.”</p><p>Essek wanted to ask, <em>That’s selfish?</em> </p><p>What was selfish about that? Wanting Essek to work at the newly reformed Soltryce Academy didn’t seem outlandish. As the new headmaster, it would make sense to recruit fellow magical allies who wished to help youths with their arcane exploits. But asking about it in this way implied that this was something Caleb wanted greatly, something he thought he would benefit from, and that Essek might suffer from.</p><p>So Essek could only ask, “Why me?”</p><p>And Caleb of course recited all of Essek’s various arcane accomplishments and how it would be a wonderful effort of diplomacy to be able to teach dunamancy in the Empire. And Essek replied about all the political ramifications of such an act, and how he would need to clear it with the Bright Queen and all the other proper channels. There would need to be equal exchanges in place, and perhaps a formal exchange program where students of the Dynasty could come and learn previously hidden Empire spells.</p><p>Caleb presented all the logic, the reasons the request would make sense, and it was, in a way, an answer to his question. It turned into a discussion of politics and magic and it was fascinating in its own right, but Essek really wanted to know why Caleb thought it was selfish to ask this of him.</p><p>In his own eyes, he could never consider anything Caleb asked of him selfish, since it would be freely given the moment it left his lips. Caleb had everything of him, if he wanted it. Perhaps he was too subtle. Perhaps he was too broken from realizing every mistake he’d made, but he was there if Caleb wanted.</p><p>He would always be there.</p><p>~</p><p>The next time Caleb said it, Essek was slightly more prepared. </p><p>A few years had gone by, and the school was once again well established. </p><p>“I’m going to say something incredibly selfish.”</p><p>Essek raised a brow, falling back into their familiar script and waiting for Caleb’s request. It seemed like Caleb should know he could ask just about anything of him, but that wouldn’t work with their little dance.</p><p>The truth was meant to hide in the shadows, not come into the light, and so Essek waited and this time, said nothing.</p><p>“Would you be willing to move on campus? I thought I would be able to handle all the new students, but at night-” Caleb listed all the very rational reasons for Essek to move into the same lodgings as the students and himself. He needed help looking after the children, moving around after hours. The bags under his eyes were reason enough, but he went on. Most of the other teachers at the school were going home to large families each night and needed to look after kids of their own.</p><p>It was implied, not spoken aloud, but Essek was alone, just like Caleb.</p><p>It made sense. The things they discussed like this usually did.</p><p>Why not be alone together?</p><p>“Of course,” he said, as if he was making some great concession, moving closer to the one person he wanted to keep an eye on.</p><p>And it might have felt selfish to Caleb, but Essek wanted it just as much.</p><p>There were days when Caleb had bags under his eyes and spent hour yawning and trying to keep his head up at his desk. If Essek could lessen some of that strain, he was more than happy to offer that. The kids they taught felt like his own, especially the bright eyed children who came from the Dynasty. Every year with the newest batch, he felt his heart soar as he saw the young drow children expand their minds and see everything from Empire magic to sunsets.</p><p>But it wasn’t really raucous children keeping Caleb up at night.</p><p>Sure, they didn’t <em>help,</em> and Essek was able to assist in that aspect. There were curfews he helped to set, and magical alarms set in the halls to let them know if the kids were leaving the building. So long as they were quiet and respectful, they were given free reign, but the young arcanists in their care weren’t the rowdiest bunch. With loose guidelines and the assurance that spellcasting became exceedingly difficult without a solid eight hours of rest, Caleb was given the chance to rest.</p><p>Still, Essek’s chambers were near enough to Caleb’s, on the top floor of the dormitory tower, that he could hear the man pacing late at night. Or working at his desk. The bags under his eyes got better but didn’t disappear. The light from the common room on the floor stayed on, and the fireplace remained full and burning bright in only a way that Caleb's magic could maintain.</p><p>Essek only needed four hours a night to trance. So he began a different routine.</p><p>Caduceus helped him pick the right blends of tea, and he set up the fireplace to be able to boil water right in their small shared common chamber, without having to go to the kitchens. The sweet blend of something fruity with something herbal was pleasant smelling and wafted through the room the first night he made it. Caleb sniffed the air in what seemed to be appreciation on his way to the couch he preferred near the fireplace.</p><p>Settling himself at one of the plush chairs with his spellbook, Essek began to copy over a new dunamatic spell he’d been working on while sipping at it. Essek was pleased with how it helped soothe his nerves, and figured it would work well.</p><p>Caleb stayed in the common room longer than he should have, given his morning classes, but eventually bid Essek a good evening and disappeared into his room. The light stayed on.</p><p>The next night, Essek brewed him a mug of the tea as well, not bothering to ask. Caleb accepted it wordlessly, drinking slowly and heating it up a few times with a small flame whenever it grew cold.</p><p>But it did its job well, and he began to yawn.</p><p>His spellbook almost fell off his lap as his eyes began to close, and Caleb shot upright as if he’d been attacked. Realizing there was no danger beyond Essek chuckling at him, he flushed all the way to his ears and mumbled his quiet goodnight.</p><p>Essek heard no pacing that night, and saw the light dim to almost nothing before he went off to trance himself.</p><p>There was a sense of satisfaction in it working.</p><p>The next night, Caleb gave into the exhaustion in a different way, curled up on the couch and propping his head up on the arm. His spellbook was in no danger of falling, and the mug of tea was long since finished on the coffee table before him.</p><p>Essek was researching the safest way to teach the older kids how to teleport. A few of the elven children from the Dynasty were fast approaching that level with the school's excursions to get more experience out in the Empire. But he worried about the mishaps he suffered in the beginning, the various injuries he'd suffered trying to perfect the technique. There was no way to ensure the kids wouldn’t try to teleport themselves to Marquet and end up in the ocean.</p><p>At least not yet.</p><p>Perhaps he would travel to a few different places and collect many associated objects in each. </p><p>His thoughts were interrupted by a soft sound coming from Caleb’s couch.</p><p>Looking up, he found the man fast asleep, curled protectively around his spellbook. He was caught off guard by the sight. No matter how many tired human children fell asleep in his lectures, he would never be used to the human need to just sleep.</p><p>Caleb looked so vulnerable like that.</p><p>But he couldn’t send Caleb to the infirmary to sleep on a cot for a few hours, like he did for his sleep deprived students in need of a quick nap to recover their arcane abilities.</p><p>He could, however, tap him on the shoulder and inform the man that he should probably sleep in his bed. An unseen servant would allow him to remain seated, but might be jarring. Standing up, he made sure to tread lightly.</p><p>A hand on Caleb's shoulder, he said quietly, “I think you might be more comfortable in your room, Caleb.”</p><p>He didn’t move, but inhaled sharply, almost as startled as when he dropped his spellbook the night before. “Take them out.”</p><p>“What?” Essek asked, pulling back a bit at the manic look in Caleb’s eyes.</p><p>Caleb caught his retreating hand, eyes imploring without really seeing, “Take them out, bitte, bitte-”</p><p>“Take what out, Caleb? Are you alright?” Essek said, his voice barely above a whisper.</p><p>Frumpkin moved from his place at Caleb’s feet to butt up under his chin. He faltered, blinking a few times before asking, “Essek?”</p><p>“Yes. You’re in the tower of the Academy. It’s early morning. Were you having a bad dream?” he asked, unsure what to do with his hand once Caleb released it.</p><p>Caleb curled in on himself a bit, scratching at the scars on his forearms. “Difficult memories. You remember… Ah, Ikithon loved his experiments.”</p><p>It was strange to feel such ire at a man long since dead. “He experimented on his pupils?”</p><p>“Ja,” Caleb mumbled, sitting up and scratching a few more times at his arms before Frumpkin wormed his way into his hold. “Sorry to bother you. Gute Nacht, Essek.”</p><p>“You’re not a bother, Caleb.”</p><p>The next night he piled extra pillows on the couch, and the only thing he did was grab a blanket to cover Caleb’s sleeping form. When Caleb woke with a start halfway through the night, looking confused, Essek asked him a question about the teleportation issue, which seemed to remind him of where he was. He started trancing in his desk chair, one ear open to hear if the other wizard was having a bad dream.</p><p>The bags under Caleb’s eyes slowly but surely diminished and then disappeared.</p><p>~</p><p>The next time, Essek was ready. He’d been waiting for Caleb to ask for quite a while when the other man finally broke down.</p><p>The man was drowning in work, and with Essek’s careful routine, he was sleeping well for the first time in ages. Which meant he was losing hours in the day that he normally spent overworking himself. Which meant for the first time in his life, Caleb Widogast was behind on paperwork.</p><p>“I’m going to say something incredibly selfish.”</p><p>Essek looked up from his desk to Caleb’s spot at his own, waiting for the man to go on.</p><p>“I think I’ve bitten off a bit more than I can chew.”</p><p>He smiled softly at Caleb, nodding. “I was wondering when you’d ask for help.”</p><p>Those blue eyes filled with relief almost immediately. “What would you say to a promotion?”</p><p>“I don’t need a title to help you with your work,” Essek said, pushing aside the stack of papers he was grading. The students wouldn't expect them to be graded until next week anyways.</p><p>Caleb shook his head, “Officially, you would. To be able to look at all the legal matters and go to meetings and things. Vice principal I think they call it, these days. Deputy headmaster, if you prefer.”</p><p>Essek only shrugged, an unseen servant, cast a few minutes ago to retrieve more ink, reaching over Caleb and startling the other wizard as half of the forms he was going through were picked up and brought to Essek’s desk. “A title is less important than you getting eight hours of sleep.” </p><p>Seeing the work he was doing cut in half, some of the stress left Caleb’s posture and he nodded. “You’re a good friend.”</p><p>Essek tried to ignore the warm feeling that spread through him at the simple comment. “Of course. Are there any meetings I can go to in your stead this week?”</p><p>“There’s the meeting with the De Rolos this week about their youngest,” Caleb said, after a long pause. He sounded reluctant to let it go, but only because it might inconvenience Essek. “Every conversation with those two is like a battle. They mean well, but it’s exhausting.”</p><p>“Would you like to use the expertise of an ex-Shadowhand to navigate that?” Essek asked, ignoring how really lovely it felt to help Caleb, when the man finally asked for what he wanted.</p><p>Caleb sighed, raking a hand through his hair and stretching. His limbs cracked and popped in ways that Essek wasn’t sure were healthy. A question for Caduceus. “Perhaps. If you wouldn’t mind, that is.”</p><p>“Of course not. I’m the deputy headmaster, after all. It’s only fair to share the duties,” he said, sending the unseen servant to start the water boiling for Caleb’s tea. “Especially when I have an extra four hours to do menial paperwork each night.”</p><p>The warm look on Caleb’s face would be reward enough for anything. “Danke, Essek.”</p><p>~</p><p>There was something Essek needed to say.</p><p>He needed to say it out loud just to know whether or not it was an option.</p><p>Life in the Dynasty was not considered as precious as it was in the Empire. Those whose lives would be sorely missed were consecuted and then death became the next step towards perfection.</p><p>Essek had never been properly consecuted, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to.</p><p>Not when those around him wouldn’t join him in the next life.</p><p>Not when Caleb was painfully, painfully human.</p><p>Veth and Yeza didn’t have quite as many wrinkles around their eyes. Caduceus looked just as he did the day Essek met him. Yasha and Beau looked quite the same, though Essek did not know how.</p><p>Jester and Fjord were growing older every day, but their overwhelming contentment helped with that. They had their family, and they constantly had all their friends over for dinners and parties and other events Essek was pretty sure they made up just to see everyone. It seemed like every month one of their children had a birthday or lost their first tooth, or Marion had decided to come out of retirement again. They were utterly and completely happy.</p><p>Caleb was starting to get a few streaks of silver in his hair, and yesterday he made a sound that was less like exertion and more like pain when he stood up, and Essek was beginning to panic.</p><p>If Caleb was as content and happy and satisfied with life as his friends seemed to be, perhaps Essek could have been satisfied alongside him.</p><p>But Caleb was <em>Caleb,</em> and he was insatiable.</p><p>New arcane studies, new problems to solve, new political issues, they all seemed to fall onto his desk one way or another, and he loved sitting down to solve everyone’s problems, to unravel new magics, to council those who needed it. Nothing was enough, and Essek felt the same way.</p><p>So when they were walking on campus and Caleb said, offhandedly, nonchalantly, as if it meant nothing at all, “When you take things over-” Essek’s heart stopped in his chest.</p><p>Of course Caleb would be thinking about his replacement.</p><p>The thought alone was enough to break him, the man thinking about his own aging, but there was something else.</p><p>Why <em>him?</em></p><p>So he asked once again, “Why me?”</p><p>It felt like they were once again playing around in a script, trying to formulate given words with the proper emotions to be known. But being known was a terrifying thing and they were both the smallest bit cowards, even after all this time.</p><p>And of course Caleb recited all his accomplishments in the Empire, and how the Dynasty would trust no other to head up the institution where they sent their little ones. As they walked back to their office, conjoined now that Essek had become the deputy headmaster of the Academy, Caleb explained every reason he believed Essek was the perfect choice to take over his place. He stated all the facts and Essek was not satisfied.</p><p>“But really,” he said, pausing so that Caleb might feel the weight of his words, trying to break through the script and off the page into something new, something fragile, “why me?”</p><p>Caleb softened, leaping off the paper and into the unknown. “Because you are like me, and I would not want to leave this place to anyone else. I know… I know you do not trust yourself yet, and because of that you have gained my trust.”</p><p>“I do not deserve-”</p><p>“Sometimes friends give you things you believe you don’t deserve, because they think you do. And sometimes they are right, and sometimes they are wrong, but it is not your place to tell them what to feel about you, if you are truly being genuine.” Caleb’s words cut him through to the heart and he remembered the safety of the script, the intricacies of the polished phrases they used in each other’s presence to be able to work together in perfect harmony.</p><p>This was a different kind of song, one with discordance that ran up and down his arms and made him shiver.</p><p>It was beautiful, but far, far too fragile.</p><p>So he stole one more phrase from the script to help him forward.</p><p>“I’m going to say something incredibly selfish.”</p><p>They were alone, in this place they shared together, this home away from home, for two people that had literally and figuratively burned their homes to the ground and rebuilt them in people.</p><p>So Caleb only turned to face him and raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“Don’t-” his voice cracked and he hated himself for that weakness, for that crack in the calm façade, “Don’t go.”</p><p>“I do not understand-”</p><p>“Widogast’s Transmogrification.”</p><p>Caleb chuckled softly, “I probably should have put your name on there as well, along with Veth-”</p><p>“It is your spell. You worked on it for months for her,” Essek said. He had only helped in the last stages. Veth perhaps, since it was constructed for her, but it was still a testament to Caleb’s ingenuity and it would go down in history.</p><p>But Caleb could never accept praise, “It is our spell. Taken from Halas and used for good.”</p><p>“We could use it for good again.” Essek held Caleb’s eyes for once, though he felt himself wavering under the inscrutable blue stare. “You could… You could have more time.”</p><p>“More time?”</p><p>“Not necessarily an elf, but even a half elf, or a firbolg, or a gnome or something. Something with more time,” Essek said, eyes flicking away now that he had bared his soul.</p><p>“Time,” Caleb echoed. “It takes time.”</p><p>Remembering a different time in a different world, Essek felt the cold stabbing ache in his chest of all his past mistakes. Caleb had been right though. Time did help. Not so much in the actual lessening of pain, but in being able to do enough good that it almost felt like it outweighed the bad.</p><p>And Essek knew Caleb felt the same. Saving the world once or twice had helped. The sins of the past would never leave them, but they were better, with time.</p><p>“You could have more time. So why… Why wouldn’t you?”</p><p>They had talked about this spell once, long ago. Jester had suggested Essek using it to hide from the Dynasty. Things hadn't worked out that way and he'd had to make other dealings, political favors made behind closed doors in too many Dens, but he'd made it out alive with the only real scapegoat being the corrupt in the Cerberus Assembly.</p><p>But they'd discussed it at length and chosen another path when they couldn't figure out whether he would remain at his maturity level or stay around 120 years old. Turning into a tiefling or a human might kill him.</p><p>Jester had volunteered to test it for them, but he was unwilling to accept more kindness at that time.</p><p>This, this however would work well no matter what, from Essek’s point of view.</p><p>Either Caleb would become an elf halfway through his life span and have a few hundred years left, or he would become a younger elf and they would have hundreds and hundreds of years together.</p><p>Essek could tolerate his other friends growing old if he had Caleb by his side. He could even tolerate outliving Caleb, if he had a few hundred years to get used to the idea, instead of a few measly decades left.</p><p>“You… you would want me to become an elf? With hundreds more years?” Caleb asked, not seeming to understand Essek's desperation.</p><p>“I know I will outlive most of you, except perhaps Caduceus, if he is lucky and I am not. I was so sure I was living on borrowed time; I never came to terms with the idea of seeing… This. Any of it. And I’m sure Veth will feel the same. Even if you were a half elf, you two would mature at the same rate-”</p><p>“You would put up with me for hundreds of years?” Caleb said, his face an incredulous mask, showing no emotion, showing nothing beyond disbelief. </p><p>Essek could hardly believe the response himself. Nothing in this conversation made sense. Unspoken things were brought to light and he was adrift in a sea of uncertainty. “Put up with you?” he repeated, hardly able to keep his disdain at the words out of his voice. “Never in my life have I ‘put up with’ your presence. Even when I thought the Mighty Nein was the worst thing to ever happen to me, and found the lot of you insufferable, you- you were the exception.”</p><p>Caleb shook his head, starting to shut down the idea already, “What happens in four hundred years when you’re sick of me and everyone else I know is-”</p><p>“Get <em>sick</em> of you? I can probably deal with watching the rest of the Nein grow old and pass on without me, but not-” Essek cut himself off. It was unsaid, like everything between them, but it hurt. The unsaid words hung in the air, threatening to choke him like thick smoke. </p><p>
  <em>Not you.</em>
</p><p>He took a deep breath, wondering if Caleb could feel how badly it shook, “I would never get sick of you.”</p><p>“Our work does not deal in absolutes,” Caleb practically scoffed.</p><p>“Being in your company is not work,” Essek countered.</p><p>He shook his head. “You were right that it was selfish. I couldn’t stand to lose all of you.”</p><p>“You wouldn’t lose me,” Essek tried again, trying not to feel his heart breaking. “Never. You are my only-”</p><p>His only what? Companion? Co-worker? Friend? None of those were quite true.</p><p>He couldn't answer because Caleb was his everything and it was something else that had to stay unspoken.</p><p>Taking in another deep breath, he tried again. “As long as you would like me to stay, I-I will be by your side. I only thought… You could do so much more good in the world. I understand if that can only be a few decades, but I would have never forgiven… I needed to ask.”</p><p>Caleb only stared at him.</p><p>He couldn’t stand it.</p><p>This was why arcanists worked alone.</p><p>He was too much of a coward to deal with anything like this. Those blue eyes staring at him like he was another puzzle that needed to be solved, something that Caleb was missing the final piece of, even though it had been staring him in the face almost since they’d met.</p><p>“I should go,” Essek murmured, turning to the door.</p><p>He could have teleported. As Caleb caught his arm, he should have teleported.</p><p>But how could he leave?</p><p>“Wait-”</p><p>“Do you have more to say?” Essek asked, ever the diplomat, adopting his impassive mask of the ex-Shadowhand. A face that now mostly terrified disobedient children and rude parents.</p><p>Caleb’s hand rested on his arm, and he didn’t pull away. He hadn’t pulled away in years. He loved the few moments of excitement between them whenever they solved something particularly challenging and Caleb broke through the space between them. “I… I’m trying to understand.”</p><p>His mask was failing, and he didn’t have any words.</p><p>They stayed unspoken, floating between them, as always.</p><p>Caleb was a few inches taller than him, since he’d stopped floating. So he couldn’t reach to kiss his forehead.</p><p>So he swallowed his cowardice and leaned forward to kiss his cheek.</p><p>“I should leave,” he mumbled, then began to mumble the incantation for his teleportation spell.</p><p>Staring at him wide eyed, Caleb waved his hand, dispelling the magic. For the first time in years, Essek felt one of his teleportation spells countered.</p><p>This time when he spoke, it felt more like pleading. “What do you want me to say?”</p><p>Caleb faltered, opened his mouth to speak once, and then closed it wordlessly. Time stretched in between them, silent, heavy, painful.</p><p>Then the hand on his elbow was tugging and there was a hand balled in the collar of his cloak, pulling him even closer. With all the force of a landslide succumbing to gravity, they fell together, inevitable and tumbling into oblivion as one.</p><p>And it did feel like falling, as Caleb’s lips crashed into his own, hurried and unpracticed from years of doing nothing of the sort. Everything that was steady and sure crumbled away to something fragile and tenuous and new. Essek was helpless for a few moments to do anything but kiss back, but when he regained some sense of self and realized this was <em>happening,</em> he wrapped his arms around Caleb’s shoulders and pulled himself as close as the two could manage without truly merging together.</p><p>When Caleb finally pulled back, only separating a fraction of an inch and resting his forehead on Essek’s, he was practically panting. They both were, but Essek seemed to be hiding it better.</p><p>“I think,” Caleb murmured, moving the hand balled in Essek’s cloak to the back of his neck instead, pressing them together, “I think we might be rather foolish, for being so smart.”</p><p>“What do you mean?” Essek asked, lost in this moment. The feeling of being pressed together, this feeling of pure and utter <em>warmth</em> had encapsulated his brain in a thick layer of cotton.</p><p>Caleb only smiled, a big broad, beautiful thing, “I’ve been wanting to do that for years.”</p><p>Wide eyed for only a second before letting out a small, incredulous laugh, Essek could hardly believe it. “I think I fell in love with you the second you showed me that ridiculous cat’s paw. At least a little bit.”</p><p>“I’ve wanted to kiss you from the moment you opened your spellbook,” Caleb chuckled. “Though you being gorgeous didn’t hurt. I just never thought you would want… well, me.”</p><p>A breath left Essek in a small huff and he tried to bring them impossibly closer. “How could I not want you? The man who brought friendship and love into my life?” Caleb was looking at him with a devastating, hopeful look, and he felt as though he’d been hit with the full force of a divine sunbeam spell. “Who brought me into the sunlight?”</p><p>Caleb trembled a bit with something that might have been a laugh and might have just been the pure strength of emotion running through this moment. “The sunlight hurts your eyes.”</p><p>“It is the most beautiful pain I’ve ever felt.”</p><p>Caleb looked down, and Essek just took a moment to take everything in. The freckles across his cheeks and nose, the deep piercing blue of those eyes, the gentle upward curve of his lips. And now, he could give into gravity, and press his lips to those, to taste that smile.</p><p>When they pulled away this time, Essek moved his head to rest on Caleb’s shoulder, feeling absolute bliss as Caleb leaned down and kissed his temple. He ran a hand through the red hair he’d only been able to feel the softness of on very rare occasions, reveling in the sensation. Murmuring into his hair, Caleb said, “Sorry I countered your spell.”</p><p>“I’m not,” Essek mumbled, his breath running across Caleb’s neck and making the man shiver in such a delightful way. He leaned down and kissed his collar bone, memorizing every aspect of how Caleb shuddered underneath him, no longer hidden by thick scarves and sweaters. Just the robes of the Academy, changed to suit the new school.</p><p>“I suppose I’m not actually all that sorry either,” Caleb said, kissing the crown of his head and mumbling the familiar incantation.</p><p>Essek didn’t know where they were going, but he did nothing to resist.</p><p>The feeling of love and trust overwhelmed him as Caleb’s familiar arcane energy swirled around them.</p><p>They were in Caleb’s bedroom, the man pulling back just a bit to explain, “I thought some more privacy might be good, any kids or teachers walking in would be- Apologies if that was presumptuous-”</p><p>Essek silenced him with another kiss, unwilling to hear any other reasons why they might not continue. There were many other private places to bring Essek, and it was only welcome to end up here. Slowly, they dropped heavy cloaks to the ground, hands exploring what had seemed forbidden and untouchable for such a long time.</p><p>Caleb pulled back once more, “Before we- Before anything else happens, I have to say, I-I’ve loved you too. I’m not sure when I realized it. If it was on that stupid boat, or in Eiselcross, or when you agreed to join the school, but I love you. I have. For years.”</p><p>Something inside him melted into a puddle, and anything remaining nervousness fell away as it so often did with Caleb by his side. “It’s a bit of a relief to hear it said out loud,” he said, cupping Caleb’s cheek and admiring the pale freckled skin against his dusty blue fingers.</p><p>“I may not be saying yes to hundreds of years, but I am saying yes to considering it,” Caleb said, leaning into the touch.</p><p>Tears sprang to his eyes without any way to stop them, and Essek felt his breath hitch in his chest. Even the possibility of spending the rest of his life with Caleb by his side was enough to steal the air from his lungs.</p><p>He traced the planes of Caleb’s face with his fingers, pausing over the few scars and freckles as he gathered all that he wanted to say. “As long as you would have me then, I am yours.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading!! Confirmation of teacher Caleb warms my soul, so take this before my soul is then ripped out by whatever hell (literal or figurative) tonight's episode brings (feel free to scream about it in the comments at me too) &lt;3</p><p>comments &amp; kudos are always appreciated &lt;3&lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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